My thoughts are all over the place lately. I'm distracted from the needs of my children, who are getting only divided attention at home. With Scott so available, I feel this pressure to be productive creatively, and yet I can't seem to focus when I do have the chance. I made a list of goals and ideas the other night, but I've been fighting feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, ungratefulness, unreconciled desires and values...
All my desires are being fulfilled, and yet it makes me feel uncomfortably spoiled. Is it possible, I find myself wondering, to drive a new car, have a nice house, be spoiled rotten by my mother and still keep my crunchy Christian values? Can I desire fame, fortune and a stylish diaper bag without becoming a materialistic capitalist? (Is there such a thing as "Crunchy Chic"?) More importantly, am I doing enough for others? Am I loving everyone I meet? Am I open and honest about my failures? Am I grateful enough for everything I've been given?
I've been contemplating the Sermon on the Mount this week thanks to Phillip Yancey. And I think I finally got something this morning on my way to get my hair cut. Yes, I've been given a lot. No, I'm not doing enough in return. And that's the point. Even if I do the one thing for my mom that she really wants and finally get her to Chicago to see Oprah, even if I catch up on all my thank you notes to everyone who has been generous to my family this year, even if I sneak over to my neighbor's house to polish her furniture and organize her closets, even if I give my children undivided attention every minute they're awake, even if I publish a book that makes people laugh, cry and changes how the world treats children, it will still not be enough. I will still have received much more than I've ever given. That's Grace.
The standard is high -- much too high for me to reach. All I can really do is strive for gratefulness, live each moment to its fullest, and pray that God continues to work on me so I can serve and love Him better. Because the more I get caught up in my inadequacies, the more I fail to overcome them.
Today I realized my biggest blessing is recognizing that I don't deserve the many that I've been given.
Now about those thank you notes...
Thursday, June 30, 2005
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3 comments:
really powerful!
corinna
Very nice.....
Dad
You always make me think. And tell me about Thank You notes!
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