Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Who's actually reading this?

Thank you so much for the prayers for my grandmother. My mother won conservatorship, and my grandmother's insurance paid for a transport to her new assisted living home. So far, so good. She's getting settled in, and hopefully we can go see her sometime next week. My mother's spending the next two days packing up her old apartment, and then my dad will go down and pick up the furniture and boxes. My mom already brought home all the photo albums, my aunt's paintings, and a bookshelf for me.

It's strange to think that we'll never go visit my grandmother at home again. I haven't been there since early October. She had a lovely little apartment in a very nice complex, and the boys always played with the neighboring children. I have a lot of nice memories of having tea and cake on her patio, helping her wash the dishes after dinner, and looking through the family albums over and over again together. I want to remember those times, and the fun times my sisters and I spent visiting as children, rather than the stressful moments of conflict and confusion during the last year or more. That's what my grandmother would want, of course, if she were thinking like her old self. Beautiful thoughts only, please.

I realize I haven't yet grieved the loss of her impeccable memory and highly focused mind. My mother has done most of the grieving for all of us. I know she's wanted to protect me during this pregnancy from the stress of the situation. The last time I spoke to my grandmother on the phone I totally lost it. That was over a month ago. I have to admit I'm a little nervous about going to see her. I've avoided being emotional about the situation thanks to distance, but that won't be so easy when we start visiting. But I know it's important for me and for her. At least, I hope she will benefit from our visits and not be more agitated.

Anyhow, I was going to post about my recent doubts about the purpose of this blog. My cousin shut hers down last week, mainly because she felt like she was losing contact with long distance friends who would read her blog but not write to her. I thought that made sense. Sometimes I wonder why I blog at all. I could be journaling privately, which would require less self-censorship. I could be scrapbooking more, which would be nice for the boys when they grow up. I could be putting effort into writing for publication and actually get PAID for the time I spend on the computer. I could be staying in touch with friends more personally via private messages and phone calls. It often seems like the friends who read this are people I see or talk to regularly anyway. Everyone else just lurks, so I have no idea if this is really serving a purpose or not.

On that note, if you're lurking, and think I should keep blogging, maybe you could come out of hiding just briefly, now that I have my comments turned back on. How often do you read? Do you want general updates or detailed notes on my daily life? More stories about the boys or more pictures of my pregnant belly? Random thoughts on politics or raving rants about parenting? Just wondering...

In the meantime, this is one of my favorite Hathor comics.


Emily W. said...

Hi Amanda - it's Emily in Seattle! I was so glad to be able to read your blog today -- I've been home sick all week and was feeling lonely today.

I love having the chance to read through your blog, catch up on what has been going on in your life, and hear about the little things that would never make it into our occasional e-mails, like yoga or Grouper's short story.

Granted, I should stay more current with my e-mail and maybe I would hear more stories and also share my own -- but as it is right now, where it takes me months to even reply to e-mail, I was grateful to get to spend my sick day with your blog.

Congratulations on another little boy! The 3 of them will be such good buddies and so much fun to watch together. I'm sending you good thoughts and wishes about your Omie.

Love, Emily

Amanda said...

Oh, thank you, thank you, Em! You don't know how much I loved hearing from you. I hope you feel better soon.

Miss and love you,

your nutty neighbor said...

hey, I read and enjoy your blog!! if it brings you joy and is not a burden keep it up!!

Sarah said...

I get such encouragement from reading blogs of other crunchy christians...but stop if it feels like a burden!

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