October 14

My middle son has been waiting since the beginning of our journey into the Middle Ages to read the story of William the Conqueror. He adopted the name "Guillaume," the French version of William, for his French and history studies this year, because he thought William sounded like an admirably tough warrior.

Serendipitously, we arrived at that chapter of "Famous Men" today -- on the 945th anniversary of the Battle of Hastings. Sometimes I manage to plan these things, but today had nothing to do with me. I didn't realize the date beyond 1066!

Unfortunately, Middlest was devastated to discover that his chosen namesake was disliked by his northern English subjects, punished the rebels by destroying their land and leaving them to starve to death, enacted an 8 o'clock couvre feu (curfew; to cover fire), and was deserted on his deathbed by his own sons and assistants. (The biggest betrayal, I think, was the 8 o'clock curfew!)

As disappointing as it was to find out that a Norman conqueror was a bit of a bully, the boys still enjoyed this video of the Bayeux Tapestry by PotionGraphics.

(Warning: bloody embroidered war scenes)

In other coincidental news (if you believe in coincidences, which I don't)... tomorrow -- October 15 -- is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I learned this through Pam, who linked to Niki, both of whom lost unborn babies this year. My heart is aching along with theirs right now.

I know now that the Lord directed me to Pam's post last weekend as a merciful whisper of things to come.

I counted myself fortunate enough to have made it through 10 years of motherhood without experiencing that kind of loss -- until this week. I was hoping to be able to tell you all of our joyous news in another month or so. I found out only last week that I would be due on June 10 -- Littlest's birthday -- with baby number 4.

But I started bleeding a few days ago. Just a little at first, and I tried not to worry. A dear friend of mine bled consistently through two of her pregnancies, and the boys are 4 and 6 now. But that is not my normal, and something (or Someone) inside me whispered, "It's your turn. Get ready."

Yesterday, UberDad and I spent the afternoon in the waiting room at the doctor's office with the 16-week pregnant mamas about to get their ultrasounds. We were probably kind of annoying, sitting there obnoxiously guffawing and making sarcastic remarks about the so-called "health news" coming from the waiting room TV. Our nervous energy was obvious. As was the picture of my already empty uterus.

The tears are flowing freely today. Normally, Fridays are our Racing Days. Race through homeschool and chores in the morning. Race through lunch so we can race to music lessons. Race from music lessons to the car wash to the library. Race home and collapse.

Today, the boys read to me on my bed, and I tried not to cringe too much when they bounced. We moved slowly next door to find some lunch. I tried not to get frustrated when no one had their shoes on or their instruments in hand when it was time to go. I dropped them off at the music studio, which I never do.

And then I came home to rest. I'll go back to pick them up soon. My boys are so amazing. They have been such comforters, even as I know they are sad themselves. I would not have told them so soon, but that's just how it worked out. They are amazingly trusting of how Life comes and goes.

I feel so blessed. To have three healthy children. To have known this pregnancy even in its brevity. To have compassionate friends, both close by and online. To have heard the Spirit's whisper, and to feel His comforting presence with me through this process.

I know the Lord is in control at all times, trustworthy at all times, and merciful at all times. And I know that this experience puts me in good company with so many mothers who also have had to let go when they least wanted to.

Early morning prayers

She gets up while it is still dark,
She provides food for her family...
--Proverbs 31:15

The days are growing shorter, and the early mornings darker. My doctor told me two months ago to sleep in because my body needed it, but this week I've been waking up in the dark, much earlier than usual.

I don't know if it's because Littlest spent a few days waking at 5 while adjusting to the colder temperatures, or because my cortisol levels are improving. I'm not seeing other evidence of this, but I want to take advantage of my eyes popping open -- better to get up early and take a nap later, than oversleep. I went back to sleep the other day after waking up when Scott got up, and my only reward was a nightmare.

She watches over the affairs of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
--Proverbs 31:27

There have been days recently when I could not get out of bed. When I felt the same as when I had mononucleosis as a child, and lay in bed too tired to even watch tv. There have been other days when I moved as much as I could, but wore out quickly. There have been days when I felt "normal" again, and used every ounce I had, only to be useless the next day. And there have been times when I probably could do more, but chose to be idle instead.

It is difficult with a chronic illness to find the balance between resting to recover, and working to recover. Because if I do not put some effort into planning and preparing meals, and learning more about adrenal fatigue, it may get worse. I need to lean on the Lord every day, and continue to pray for healing, but he has also given us "every green plant for food" -- part of His healing regimen is ready for the eating.

I had a few good weeks after my diagnosis, after getting off sugar and caffeine, taking my supplements, and improving my diet. It was almost too easy. And it didn't last. I got the flu, my adrenals took another hit, and I needed to start all over.

It does not depend, therefore, on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy.
--Romans 9:16

I have to be careful not to grow discouraged, when eating feels like a chore -- when so many things that used to give me pleasure are now forbidden. I have to be careful not to despair, when my energy runs out before the day's even begun, when the infection for which I cannot take medicine returns, when my blood sugar and hormones cause my mood to drop dangerously low and the boys can see it on my face, even if I bite my tongue.

All day long I have been plagued, and punished every morning.
--Psalm 73:14

And yet, I know this is such a mild, temporary ailment. All around me I witness others suffering from life-threatening disease, from heart-breaking circumstances, from chronic pain which will not end.

I know I am abundantly blessed, with a husband who loves and cares for me, with three beautiful, healthy children, with a home we can afford, and food and clothing as we need it, with friends who know and love me, and parents who live close and are not estranged.

I can know all these things, but if I do not put my hope in the Lord, if I do not listen carefully to His voice, and not my raging thoughts, then I grow hopeless.

But now, Lord, what do I look for?
My hope is in You.
--Psalm 39:7

I am so thankful that I know what the issue is now, and that healing is on its way. I am so thankful that He is with me every step of the way. I am so thankful that He's given us His Word for encouragement, and made healing possible with His blood.