Friday, October 14, 2011

October 14

My middle son has been waiting since the beginning of our journey into the Middle Ages to read the story of William the Conqueror. He adopted the name "Guillaume," the French version of William, for his French and history studies this year, because he thought William sounded like an admirably tough warrior.

Serendipitously, we arrived at that chapter of "Famous Men" today -- on the 945th anniversary of the Battle of Hastings. Sometimes I manage to plan these things, but today had nothing to do with me. I didn't realize the date beyond 1066!

Unfortunately, Middlest was devastated to discover that his chosen namesake was disliked by his northern English subjects, punished the rebels by destroying their land and leaving them to starve to death, enacted an 8 o'clock couvre feu (curfew; to cover fire), and was deserted on his deathbed by his own sons and assistants. (The biggest betrayal, I think, was the 8 o'clock curfew!)

As disappointing as it was to find out that a Norman conqueror was a bit of a bully, the boys still enjoyed this video of the Bayeux Tapestry by PotionGraphics.

(Warning: bloody embroidered war scenes)

In other coincidental news (if you believe in coincidences, which I don't)... tomorrow -- October 15 -- is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I learned this through Pam, who linked to Niki, both of whom lost unborn babies this year. My heart is aching along with theirs right now.

I know now that the Lord directed me to Pam's post last weekend as a merciful whisper of things to come.

I counted myself fortunate enough to have made it through 10 years of motherhood without experiencing that kind of loss -- until this week. I was hoping to be able to tell you all of our joyous news in another month or so. I found out only last week that I would be due on June 10 -- Littlest's birthday -- with baby number 4.

But I started bleeding a few days ago. Just a little at first, and I tried not to worry. A dear friend of mine bled consistently through two of her pregnancies, and the boys are 4 and 6 now. But that is not my normal, and something (or Someone) inside me whispered, "It's your turn. Get ready."

Yesterday, UberDad and I spent the afternoon in the waiting room at the doctor's office with the 16-week pregnant mamas about to get their ultrasounds. We were probably kind of annoying, sitting there obnoxiously guffawing and making sarcastic remarks about the so-called "health news" coming from the waiting room TV. Our nervous energy was obvious. As was the picture of my already empty uterus.

The tears are flowing freely today. Normally, Fridays are our Racing Days. Race through homeschool and chores in the morning. Race through lunch so we can race to music lessons. Race from music lessons to the car wash to the library. Race home and collapse.

Today, the boys read to me on my bed, and I tried not to cringe too much when they bounced. We moved slowly next door to find some lunch. I tried not to get frustrated when no one had their shoes on or their instruments in hand when it was time to go. I dropped them off at the music studio, which I never do.

And then I came home to rest. I'll go back to pick them up soon. My boys are so amazing. They have been such comforters, even as I know they are sad themselves. I would not have told them so soon, but that's just how it worked out. They are amazingly trusting of how Life comes and goes.

I feel so blessed. To have three healthy children. To have known this pregnancy even in its brevity. To have compassionate friends, both close by and online. To have heard the Spirit's whisper, and to feel His comforting presence with me through this process.

I know the Lord is in control at all times, trustworthy at all times, and merciful at all times. And I know that this experience puts me in good company with so many mothers who also have had to let go when they least wanted to.


Crystal Mendez said...

Hello my name is crystal I have been following ur blog for only 2 weeks now and truly feel that the Lord dericted me here I am a stay at home young Pastors wife and mother to 2 children soon to be 4 and 2 . I read this post and the tears just started falling I to have lost a sweet bundle of joy in 2008 I was only 8 weeks or so when I found out the baby was in my tube and I was bleeding internally my heart broke and still does at times but God is so faithful to always give me that peace that serpasses everything . I just want you to know that I am praying for you deply! Right now during this time Amen and Thank you truly for posting this on your blog

Cheri said...

Amanda, I am so sorry! But like you said, our God is so merciful all the time! Even now, in the midst of your pain, there is such hope and rejoicing in knowing that your sweet babe is safe in the arms of his Creator! I'm praying that you feel His presence and peace more than ever right now.

Unknown said...

Our first child went home to Jesus as well...our heart's ache for your family tonight. You will be in our prayers. Love, Dominique and all of the Moseleys

Anonymous said...

I cried when I read this. I am so sorry. I lost my twins 4 yrs ago.Though time helps it heal, I still feel a bit sad around their birthday and holidays.

Ruth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lift Up Your Hearts said...

Ohhhh Amanda. I am so sorry. So, so sorry. {{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}

Janessa said...

So sorry. Thinking of you and your family...but especially you :(

Kitty said...

Hello Amanda! I have just discovered your blog and feel like I have discovered a kindred spirit!
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It hurts, no matter how far along you are or aren't. We lost a baby we were adopting before she ever came over here, several years ago, and I wept over her, even never having seen her.
I am a mom of six children (now grown)and homeschooled for 12 years. I've been a committed stay-at-home mom all my adult life, and have now written a book, passing on what I've learned from experience, but more importantly, from the Bible about creating a family that works. ("You Don't Have to Go It Alone; passing on wisdom about motherhood to the next generation".)
I'd love to share my book with you, and perhaps with your readers, if you're willing to review it or link to my website and blog. The link is if you are interested in checking me out.
In any case, I'd love to hear from you and I have your blog on my reader now.

Ruth said...

Hi Amanda. My name is Ruth, I'm in Australia and have been popping into your blog sporadically for the last year or so. One day I'll tell you how I came across it. But for today I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I also know from experience that it's God's immeasurable love that will help you face each day. It's a really tough road, but you're not alone. Not sure if you have anyone else this side of the world praying for you, but you have at least one now! May you and your family know His peace at this time.

so many things to love... said...

Hello Amanda,
I am also a newer reader, with your blog recently appearing on my radar and quickly making its way onto my reading list. I feel for you; my husband and I also lost two children to miscarriage, our first and second pregnancies. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to let go of. Perhaps this isn't an issue for you, but I personally found that the best thing for my grief was allowing myself to be sad as though I had lost a child. Many people refused to let me act as though that baby was a baby, and that only made it more difficult. Now my husband and I can talk in a bitter-sweet way about the two little people we'll meet first thing in Heaven. Won't it be wonderful, to see the faces I've only dreamed of so far? And it makes me hug my son on Earth here a little tighter. My thoughts are with you.

MamaTea said...

Amanda - I am very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts today. This was a beautiful post and you will help so many with your words.

Mrs. G said...

Hey there! I've given your the blog the Liebster Blog Award!

Read about it on my blog

Rachel :)

Fr. Peter Doodes said...

You poor love, we all are so sad for you.

God certainly did not want this to happen to you but we live in a fallen world and we both know that living a Christian life doesn't mean one will escape getting cancer, having a child with a birth defect, or being caught in an earthquake etc, because quite simply we are still subject to the "natural laws" of the planet we inhabit. Again, being a devout Christian doesn’t prevent one from growing old and dying! It is these fallen natural laws which explain why disasters occur, why "bad things" can happen to "good people" and why "good people” still have to put up with disease and ill-health. The Bible warns that the fall of nature means that bad events happen to the righteous and the wicked alike.

I will promise you one thing though, and that is that God will use you and your experience non-stop in helping in others healing, in fact this may well have already started?

Blessings from the UK, where we live 3 miles from the site of the Battle of Hastings!

SarahS said...

Amanda, I'm so sorry! Reading this brought tears to my eyes remembering my own loss five years ago. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, praying for you and your family!

Lisa said...

I don't know how I missed this, but I'm so sorry! Prayers with your family. My first pregnancy ended this way. :(

Grandma Honey said...

I am so sorry. I've never experienced this but it use to be one of my biggest fears. May God Bless you.

Mandy said...

I am so sorry that I missed all of this Amanda. My prayers and thoughts are with you all.

DanielleBarron said...

Dear Amanda,
I am a stay at home mom and mother of three! I googled christian mommy blogs just today and was drawn to yours, which was in the middle of the page! When I read through your last couple of posts my mouth dropped open because I have been praying and asking God for comfort for my family! I too was pregnant with my fourth child and was also due in June! Two weeks ago I went into the office for routine HCG tests and they were normal, five days later I went for more(couldn't go two days later, which is he norm. and got a call the next day telling me they were very low! Anyways long story short the baby died but my body has not m/c despite cramping and bleeding! I gave another u/s on thurs. but am truly just wanting closure! Thank God for you posting of your situation. It has brought comfort knowing I am not alone! I wanted to also tell you I feel as though God whispered into my spirit of coming events! 3 weeks before I found out I was pregnant I felt as though he unmistakeably told me to trust him, but at the time had no idea what it was about!

Annie said...

Hi Amanda! I just found this blog through a friend of mine. I'm really enjoying the posts. We just went through a miscarriage a couple months ago, we have 4 beautiful children, but it was still hard. I was so amazed though at God's grace during it. I loved reading your other posts though about being pregnant again! We are definitely thinking of trying again! Also, we have 3 boys and a little girl :-). I'm loving every minute of having a little princess around. I forgot how much I loved girly stuff!! Blessings to you guys-

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