Blessed are those who know they are blessed.

My thoughts are all over the place lately. I'm distracted from the needs of my children, who are getting only divided attention at home. With Scott so available, I feel this pressure to be productive creatively, and yet I can't seem to focus when I do have the chance. I made a list of goals and ideas the other night, but I've been fighting feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, ungratefulness, unreconciled desires and values...

All my desires are being fulfilled, and yet it makes me feel uncomfortably spoiled. Is it possible, I find myself wondering, to drive a new car, have a nice house, be spoiled rotten by my mother and still keep my crunchy Christian values? Can I desire fame, fortune and a stylish diaper bag without becoming a materialistic capitalist? (Is there such a thing as "Crunchy Chic"?) More importantly, am I doing enough for others? Am I loving everyone I meet? Am I open and honest about my failures? Am I grateful enough for everything I've been given?

I've been contemplating the Sermon on the Mount this week thanks to Phillip Yancey. And I think I finally got something this morning on my way to get my hair cut. Yes, I've been given a lot. No, I'm not doing enough in return. And that's the point. Even if I do the one thing for my mom that she really wants and finally get her to Chicago to see Oprah, even if I catch up on all my thank you notes to everyone who has been generous to my family this year, even if I sneak over to my neighbor's house to polish her furniture and organize her closets, even if I give my children undivided attention every minute they're awake, even if I publish a book that makes people laugh, cry and changes how the world treats children, it will still not be enough. I will still have received much more than I've ever given. That's Grace.

The standard is high -- much too high for me to reach. All I can really do is strive for gratefulness, live each moment to its fullest, and pray that God continues to work on me so I can serve and love Him better. Because the more I get caught up in my inadequacies, the more I fail to overcome them.

Today I realized my biggest blessing is recognizing that I don't deserve the many that I've been given.

Now about those thank you notes...