When I was 16, my grandmother took me to Europe. We boarded train after train so she could introduce me to her family and friends all over Germany.
At one point during the trip, she wanted to surprise me with our next stop. We got on a train, but she wouldn't tell me where we were going.
I couldn't handle it.
I couldn't relax into my seat and enjoy the view, not knowing whether we'd be sitting there for 15 minutes, or four hours. Should I start a new chapter in my book? Did I have time to write a letter? It was unnerving.
So, I threw a bit of a fit, insisting that she tell me how long we'd be on the train. She refused, because she knew I could look at the train schedule and figure out where we would be getting off -- and the surprise would be ruined. (We were equally stubborn!) Never mind that I hate surprises.
I'm sorry to say that nearly 20 years later, I am no less likely to throw a fit when I feel out of control, blind to the future and not knowing what to do with myself while I wait for the next thing.
Which is why Nicole's new post at Burning Bushes about Psalm 25 and trusting in the Lord to know the way forward hit me so hard.
This has been a very long month, for no other reason than it's January, and the Tule fog is blinding me.
I know it looks all fun and games around here most of the time, and that part of this life is very real. I have SO much to thankful for!! But sometimes I'm also working really hard not to show you my Ugly Cry. It can get really ugly.
You, my friends, deserve to see the whole picture. You have been so supportive and encouraging, and I am so grateful. Even though I sometimes wonder, "What the heck do they see in me?"
I know better than to ask that question. I know if you see anything in me at all, that it's Him. And I know that His grace is sufficient to cover all my insecurities, doubts and neuroses.
So why can't I trust Him to take me where I need to go?
Heidelberg. That's where my Omie was taking me. Beautiful Heidelberg, where we could climb up to the ruins of a Renaissance castle, and peer down to a gorgeous view of the Rhein river.
No friends to visit and try to make stilted conversation with in my beginner German. Not the disturbing death camp of Dachau. Heidelberg.
This life is so beautiful. God has given me nothing but blessings.
And I am learning, oh so slowly, to stop fretting about what to do with myself, and just enjoy the view.
Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, LORD, are good... He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. --Psalm 25:7,9